Random Thoughts

Sex – get a Period App

Sex, yep, Sex.  I’m gonna talk about it.  What is the old saying those that can’t, teach?  In my case those that don’t, talk? or give interesting advice. My first piece to everyone:  Get a Period App!!!  Women this will help you track your period so you don’t have any surprises at the office, grocery store, Pilates etc.  We all know how fun that can be.  Men trust me when I say get this app.  You will be so thankful later on (last two paragraphs).

OK, why should you get this app?  A couple reasons:

  1. Helps track your period
  2. Helps track your “mood swings”
  3. Helps track ovulation

We will now do the infamous “Break it Down”

First off this is for guys and gals. If you think tracking your period or your significant other’s period is weird, let me tell you, it isn’t.  I actually have one on my phone for me AND my teenage daughter. This makes it so I can remind her to grab supplies so she is not stuck at school wearing those monstrous pads they still hand out at the clinic that feels like you are wearing a diaper.  Yeah, guys you don’t quite understand this but imagine crapping your pants and walking around with that load all day – minus the aroma of course.  Those damn pads they hand out in the school clinics are awful.

Secondly, I am going to break some Golden Rule, that I’m sure is in the women’s book of whatever, when I say YES WE HAVE MOOD SWINGS.  Just never ask us about it. This, gentlemen, is where the period tracker comes in handy.  You can actually see what time of month, during your wife/girlfriend’s cycle, she becomes a raving lunatic that you cannot reason with.  Bring her flowers, cards, gifts (preferably a large bag of chocolate – if you are dating me) and anything else that you know she likes. Watch PS I love you (really great chick flick) with her and tell her you would do the same thing for her.

woman-slapping-man

Expect tears. This is okay.  I promise.  Women, be cognoscente or try at least that you may be experiencing poltergeist like symptoms during this time.  Usually a few days before we actually start our period. Ease up on your man.  He is trying the best he knows how.

Lastly the big one, Guys this one is important, check back into the blog now…   Tracking our ovulation is not just for pregnancy.  Women are usually super horny (I am totally gonna get kicked out of the women’s club for this shit) during this time.  It is in our genetic makeup to procreate. I personally have experienced looking at men that I never find attractive (any male in my vicinity over the legal age) and wonder what it would be like to have sex with them.  This is usually when I grab my phone and check the app to see, yep, I’m ovulating.  Holy Crap.  All men start to look really good at this point. Tall men, short men, heavier set men, men with no teeth…  Just kidding. No seriously. I need to check my app.

Guys, I’m not saying take advantage of this but I am saying play your cards right and sex is in your future for a few days straight.  And good sex.  Not the kind where you are half listening for your kids to knock on the door but the kind where you get your wife’s FULL attention.  Women take advantage of this time also, your man will be happy to put on that Indiana Jones hat you bought him for Halloween.  I promise. Just be careful with the whip.

For those of you who need more research: Women’s Libido during a Cycle

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